Dear Ovulation, Aren’t You a Real Pain In The Ass?

Doctors call you “ovulation” but you are like a curse that visits every human with a vagina in-between her legs. You come every two weeks in a month and it’s a period when everything goes shit. I have no idea how you do it.

Like, how can I wake up on a fine morning with my tits sore to boot? Naturally, I am not busty but your visit gets my boobs so huge that if it’s a period when I’m home, my mum won’t stop looking at me through the corner of her eyes. I mean, are we not in Nigeria again? That the moment a girl’s boobs starts looking big and swollen it’s a green flag that pregnancy has set in.

So, dear ovulation, I know you make my boobs look great but I’m tired of getting comments like, “Ah Ann, this one your breasts are looking full, are you pregnant?” And then I go on explaning to whoever cares to listen that my big boobs would last for just two weeks then it shrinks back to normal when the “red visitor” appears.

Are we going to ignore the fact that you come with so much horniness that every good-looking guy I come across looks like a tree I could climb? Like, an ordinary smile and “hello” from a cute guy immediately gets my vagina extra juicy. Whenever I try having an alone time, the only thing that goes on in my mind is how to get laid. Apparently, my eggs are very much eager to form babies; so I crave for the “D” and physical intimacy so much that I daydream about them with my legs scissored tightly.

During this period, I dare not visit a guy with the intention that we can’t do anything sexual. No matter how much I tell myself that nothing will happen, an ordinary tickle or kiss from him could get me in the mood that it would take enough discipline to put an end to whatever that is bound to happen.
What about the odd pain I feel slicing through my lower abdomen?

It’s so excruciating and gets me bedridden for hours depending on when the pain decides to subside. Sometimes when I complain, some guys go “Haba Ann, you sha like to over do. This is a normal stuff na”. And then I wish that they wake up one day with a lady’s genital. Maybe then, they will understand better.

After about a week and half, my hormones calm down a bit, the pain subsides and boobs start getting back to normal. But then, there are mood swings and food cravings. This minute, I’m happy and excited; the next minute I’m angry and irritated for no reason
The food cravings are the worst. I literally eat up to five times a day excluding the small snacks I could take from time to time.

So yeah, ovulation, sometimes you are like a pain in the ass but you have actually made being a woman quite fun. You are like a gift to womanhood but sometimes I feel like yelling at you. Like, “Fuck wherever you are coming from! For Christ Sake, let me be!” Sometimes I feel like waking up with a dick if that’s the only way you could stop messing with my body. But truth is, whether I like it or not, you have come to stay. What option do I have than to be grateful for what has been handed down to me; to womanhood in general?

Cheers to all ladies out there.

18 Replies to “Dear Ovulation, Aren’t You a Real Pain In The Ass?

  1. I know I probably shouldn’t laugh, but I can’t help it. Hahahahahaha. Shoot me if you like! I know. I know. But I’m laughing at your pain. This is bold. I love it.

  2. Erhm, I’m normal right? Cos I don’t feel that way. Nothing. My boobs just become bigger and rounder. Does this have anything to do with the bro in my name!

    1. Hahahaha. You are normal. The symptoms differ I guess. For me, there is horniness, big boobs, food cravings and mood swings.

  3. Lol, dis is so me
    Even when I will b happy about d big boobs but d pain on my nipple won’t let me be. But there is nothing we can do about it my dear.

  4. Cheers to all the ladies out there,
    Though we can imagine what it’s like, you live in it.

    Unu jisike…. The Lord is ur calcium

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